Let me start by saying, I don’t hold grudges anymore; it’s taken me a long time to get to this point. Everything in my life, good and bad, has made me who I am. I’m not perfect, no one is. I own my mistakes, try to work on myself, and look forward to a better tomorrow.
It would appear I grew up in a normal Christian home in small town in Indiana with my older sister.
Turns out my childhood wasn’t as normal as I thought. My family is very religious, they took me to church every time the doors were open. If there was a revival then we went every day of the week. I have nothing against any religion, my parents are true blue believers, they are not hypocrites. They’ve always lived the way they believe; I respect it. They've always done what they thought was right for the family at the time.
My sister is 5 years older and was bullied and teased at school. So, our parents put us in our first Christian school. We were to read the Bible, memorize verses by the chapter and not ask questions. We were there for a while but it didn’t work out so we were moved to another Christian school. My sister thrived, made a lot of friends and my parents thought they’d found the answer to their problems.
Then I became their problem. I’ve had ADHD my entire life, but back in the day my parents didn’t believe in giving meds for it. It wasn’t a medical issue it was a control issue.
The schools I attended would have been a nightmare for any kid who couldn’t sit still or keep their mouth shut. When my sister finally graduated, I did everything I could think of to get kicked out. I hoped they'd agree and put me into public school, it didn’t happen.
I’m telling you this so you’ll understand how crazy it is I became a writer with the way I grew up. I never went to a library, the schools I attended didn’t have them. I'm still uncomfortable walking into one. I wasn’t taught normal things. It’s difficult even now, I get caught off guard because I don’t know something everyone was taught growing up. I was never taught about dinosaurs. Still not sure I believe in them. I wasn’t taught about the holocaust. I had to sit in a 2x2 cubicle and not turn around or talk to anyone. They only taught me what they wanted me to know. Which now feels like a cult to me.
I had no idea people read for pleasure, but once I discovered it; I couldn’t get enough. I had my head in a book all the time. My parents didn’t understand and wanted me to put the books down and watch television. The book will still be there.
Looking back on it later, after I started writing it made me angry. What if I was supposed to be a writer my whole life and I didn’t know it was a possibility.
I see if differently now. I had to live a little before I had anything to write about or say. I’m a person who's always had to learn the hard way, but at least I learn. Some people never do unfortunately.
A few months after I turned 40, my world fell apart and completely changed everything. I became ill and homebound with a rare auto-immune disease, a few months after the news of a brain tumor. I found out I had breast cancer. Before this I’d been a school bus driver for over 9 years. I loved my job and I still think of my students frequently. I’m no longer allowed to drive a car, let alone a bus.
I'm now married to a wonderful man for 20 years. We have 3 kids and 2 fur babies. My husband saw how everything was affecting me and mentioned I try writing a book since I loved reading so much. I’d never thought about writing and I had no idea how. I’d never written essays or papers in school. I found out about a local writer’s group from my pharmacist by chance. I was scared to death, since I had to walk into a library. I went in and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I met a few amazing people. Later, one started her own group. Lucky for me, she took me under her wing and taught me everything I know. I can never repay her for the knowledge she’s shared.
I thought I was over my past and what I’d been through all those years ago. I was wrong, I hope this story will help people understand there’s life after abuse, I’m proof of it. It’s okay to be you. It’s even okay if you don’t know who you are anymore, because someone has changed you. Go explore all the options and find out what you want to be and who you want to be.
I want my pain to mean something, to make a difference. It’s not only physical pain, it’s emotional, and sometimes its harder to cope with. The bad stuff is easier to believe, we all have self-doubt, and some people will use it against us.
Someone who truly loves you should want to lift you up and be by your side for this crazy ride of life.
Please, stop guessing yourself. Everyone has intuition, listen to yours, hear your inner voice. Be the you you’re meant to be!
-Michelle